New Tidbits!

I'm up to 11, 242 words into The Circle of Confusion and I wanted to give you all a tidbit from the story. I will also be posting a tidbit on my other blog, http://metudor.blogspot.com/ So here is the tidbit for this blog:

“I don’t know where your mother has gotten her information about you having sexual relationships with other girls, but it had better not be true. And you are to stay away from those gay people. Find someone else to help you with your homework. I’m sure there are some very intelligent young ladies at our church who would be glad to help you. And,” he straightened, moved closer to me and grabbed my chin, forcing me to look up at him, “if I find out that you are running around with those girls. If I ever hear that you are having sexual relationships with other girls, you will leave this house forever. Is that clear?” His voice had gotten deeper and angrier as he spoke. He had leaned down so his face was directly in mine.

The Circle of Confusion Coming Along

I'm up to 5865 words and it's only day 3 of camp!

Here's another snippet:

I could feel Jamie glaring at me from behind. For an only child, she was a serious mother hen. She ran roughshod over P. J., Kayla, Brandi and me. Ever since we all hooked up that first semester of school, when we all had the same English 100 class, Jamie has helped each one of us with school. P.J. and she have given us a place to hand out where it’s cool to be a lesbian and we can talk freely about what’s going on in our lives. It’s been really great for me because my parents are so religious and have really been riding me about eventually getting married.

It Has Begun!

I have officially started writing The Circle of Confusion. I wrote 1655 words this morning. And, as promised, here is a snippet from the story:

"Winding up my pitch, I let the ball go with extra speed. As Leshana and I expected, Carrie swung and missed the high pitch. Carrie glared at me. I guess she thought I’d go easy on her after last night, but she should have known better. She should remember that I don’t mix business and pleasure. And, softball is my business right now."

 I will also be posting snippets to my official M.E. Tudor blog.

Lori

Okay, I’m officially freaking out! I’m sitting at the dinner table on Thanksgiving afternoon with my parents, my sister, my grandparents on both sides of the family and Jayden. He’s talking his head off and has my family’s captive attention. He’s telling stories from basketball and football games. He’s talking like a perfect gentleman without any of the gangster slang he often uses with me and his friends. He is totally putting on perfectly self-absorbed gentleman show for my parents.

I had never realized how self-absorbed he was until today. Every conversation has been around him, even at his mom’s house. As if reading my mind, he turned and looked at me. “And,” he said with the grin never leaving his face, “you all should have seen Lori kick my behind on the basketball court.” He started telling my family about all the things we had been doing together, minus the make out sessions in his car.

This probably wouldn’t seem so bad to me, except that I’m having doubts about my sexuality again. I thought I was bi when I started being attracted to Jayden, but then, I was sitting next to Kayla at the table last week while we worked on our papers for English and I ached to touch her. I’ve always thought she was beautiful and had a bit of a crush on her but that day it was all I could do to keep my hands to myself. I never feel like that with Jayden. I mean, I like him and I like kissing him, but I never have that feeling of losing control. Only a few other girls have made me feel that way, but this time it was different, it was stronger than any other time.

I’m sitting here listening to him talk to my family about stuff we’ve done and plans he has like we’re going to be together forever and I’m starting to sweat. I want to tell him to stop talking about what we’re going to do for Christmas and New Year’s. He’s talking like the decisions have already been made and we haven’t even talked about these things yet.

“Are you okay, Lori?” My Grandma Winters asked.

I looked up at her and I know I have the deer caught in the headlights look on my face. “I’m not feeling all that great,” I said truthfully. “I guess I’ve had too much to eat today.”

“I guess so,” Jayden said with a laugh. “You ate a little of everything at my mom’s house and a little of everything here. We’ll definitely have to get out and run this week to get all this off.”

My mom laughed at his comment. “Won’t we all.”

He went on to talk about the workout he has planned for us when we get back to school. I sat there listening to him talk, feeling completely uncertain about whether or not I really like him as much as I thought I did. Thoughts of Kayla began weaving their way into my mind. The smell of her perfume, the way she reached over and corrected my spelling errors. She had even teased me some about Jayden and me making up after our little quarrel on the phone. She actually seemed to be relaxing around me again.

“Isn’t that right, Lori?” Jayden said loudly.

I looked up and realized that I had drifted off into my thoughts about Kayla. “What?”

Jayden smiled tightly. “That we are going to my grandmother’s for dinner Sunday.”

“Oh, yes,” I said. “I guess I’ll have to starve myself for the next two days so I’ll room for food at her house.”

There was a consensus of agreement and them my mom changed the subject. “So when’s your last final?” she asked me.

“I think December sixteenth,” I said, taking a very small slice of the chess pie that Grandma Winters handed me. “Why?”

“Your dad and I were thinking about going to the Smokies for Christmas and we were hoping you were going to go with us,” she said.

“When will you all be back?” Jayden asked.

Mom looked at him, a slight frown marring her face. “Probably not until New Year’s Eve, maybe the day before that.”

“Well, Lori is supposed to be having Christmas dinner with my family. Isn’t that right, Hon?” He looked at me expectantly.

“We hadn't talked about,” I said. "You just mentioned it a few minutes ago.

“My mother is planning on you being there,” he said.

I looked at my mother who was watching me very closely. “Well,” I said tightly. “We’ll have to talk about that later.”

Jayden nodded and then shoveled some pumpkin pie into his mouth.

My mother put on her “everything is right with the world” smile and asked, “Would anyone like some coffee with their dessert?”

“I do,” my father said.

“Me too,” said my grandmother. “I’ll get the pot. Lori, why don’t you come help me?” She pulled at my sleeve.

I got up and followed her into the kitchen. She got the coffee down from the cabinet and I filled the pot full of water. I put the water into the coffee maker while she put the coffee into the paper filter. “I was a little surprised you brought a date to dinner today,” Grandma said.

“Didn’t Mom tell you that I was?” I asked, avoiding her gaze.

“She had mentioned that you were bringing a date but I was expecting a girl.”

My head shot up and my eyes met hers. “You knew about the girls?”

“I’ve known you were gay since you were twelve. Your mother came to the house to rage about her suspicions. At the time, I told her she was imagining things but as time went on, it became clear that her suspicions were correct.” Grandma pulled three coffee mugs out of the cabinet. “Grandpa will want some too.”

I looked toward the door that led to the dining room and wondered how bad of an argument Jayden and I were going to have when we left. I was sure he was going to be pissed if I didn't agree to go to his mother's house for Christmas

“Are you dating that boy to make your mother happy?” Grandma asked.

“I don’t know,” I admitted quietly. “I thought I liked him but I’m not so sure any more.”

Grandma reached out and pulled me into her embrace. “I know your mother was having a very hard time with your sexuality, and I have to admit that I don’t understand it.” She gave me a very tight squeeze. “But, I want you to be happy more than anything else and I think your mother does too.” She looked over my shoulder toward the door and then whispered in my ear. “And, quite frankly, I think he’s a bit of an ass.”

I burst into giggles and hugged her back. “You’re the best, Grandma.”

“So, you all need some help with the coffee?” Jayden asked from the door, glaring at me.

“No, I think we got it,” Grandma said and started pouring the coffee into the mugs. “Take this on to your grandfather,” she said to me, handing me a cup of black coffee. “I’ll doctor your dad's and mine up with sugar and cream and be right there.

Jayden didn’t have much to say the rest of the evening while we were at my parents’. When we got into the car, he turned to me as asked, “So what did your grandma have to say in the kitchen.”

Instantly I went on guard. Obviously, I wasn’t going to tell him what Grandma really said and I didn’t like his tone. “She said she missed seeing me every day,” I lied.

He started the car and took off. “So, are you going to go with your family to the Smokies?”

“I want to,” I said.

“And what about me? You’ll be gone for almost two weeks,” he said, his jaw tight.

I looked over at him. He was clearly pissed as I knew he would be. “Jayden, my mom had not even been speaking to me for the past three months and now she wants me to go on a family vacation with them. I think I should go. It will give me a chance to bond with her again. Don’t you think that’s important?”

“Of course that’s important,” he said, flexing his jaw. “I just had plans for us for Christmas.”

“Well, if you talked to me about your plans sometimes, then I would know what is going on and try to work with that, but my family hasn’t gone to the Smokies for Christmas in years. Who knows if we will get to do it again,” I said my own jaw clenching.

“Well, if you must know,” he said curtly, “I was going to talk to you about our future on Christmas.”

I turned in my seat and looked at him. “Our future? Jayden, we’ve only been dating a little over two months. How far into the future are you talking about?”

His grip on the steering wheel tightened. “The long term future. I think we are perfect together. We are both into sports. We both have very religious families. You get along with my family and are okay with my sister being a dyke. And I know that when we have sex you’ll see how perfectly matched we are for everything.”

“So were you going to propose to me?”

He shrugged, “Something like that. I wanted to do something to show you that I’m completely committed to you, and I want to know that you are completely committed to me.” He turned into the parking lot of the apartment complex, pulled into a parking spot, turned the car off, and turned to me. “I was planning on us slipping away from both of our families for New Year’s and bringing the New Year in together alone somewhere.”

He pulled me into his arms and started kissing me. I tried to relax into his embrace but it felt wrong. He put his hand on my thigh and ran it up my leg. I put my hand on his to stop his progress and pulled back. “I told you I’m not ready for that.”

He jerked back. “You know, I don’t get it. You had a reputation for being fast to jump in the bed. All the girls you slept with said that you were quick to get into the sack. So why are you still putting me off? Is it because I’m a guy or because you want to wait until we are married, engaged or whatever?”

“It’s different with girls. I can’t get pregnant having sex with a girl,” I said.

“So is that what you are worried about?” he asked. “Getting pregnant?”

“That’s part of it.” I looked away from his questioning gaze. “I’m just not ready to go that far with you.”

He punched the dash, making me jump back against the door. “I think you are playing games with me,” he shouted. “You kiss me like you want me and then you push me away. I think you are just dating me to get your mom off your case about being a dyke.”

“That’s not true, Jayden. I like you but I’m just not ready to take that step with you.”

“Why not? If I were a chick we’d be doing it right here in the parking lot.” He reached over and grabbed my leg pulling it toward him. “You haven’t even given me a chance to show you what I can do to you.” He pulling himself over me. “You won’t ever want to be with a girl again. You just have to let me show you.”

He pulled me further down into the seat and leaned over me. I let him kiss me and tried to find some kind of desire for him. I did like him and we had a lot in common, but when he gripped my breasts and pressed his hard bulge against my leg the only thing I felt was panic.

I started squirming to pull away and he thought I was squirming because I was excited. He gripped my legs and pulled me further under him. I was debating on what I should do to stop him when there was a sharp rap on the window.

“Do that shit somewhere else man,” an angry older black man yelled into the car. “We have kids in these apartments.”

Jayden climbed off of me and I let out a huge sigh of relief. That had been too close. “I better get upstairs,” I said, grabbing my coat and the door handle at the same time.

He pulled me to him fiercely. “Just wait,” he purred. “I’m show you why being with a guy is so much better than being with a girl.” He kissed me and gave me a slight shove towards the door. “Dream about me,” he called as I got out.

I waved as I walked up the sidewalk leading to the apartment building stairs. I was feeling sick to my stomach. This whole thing with him was totally wrong. Maybe it was just that he seemed to be more controlling now than when we first started hanging out. No, that wasn’t it and I knew it. Maybe I was just a chicken shit and afraid I really would like being with him more than I would a girl.

Sliding my key into the lock, I stopped and put my head on the door. Maybe I was just too confused about who I was anymore. I opened the door and found the apartment dark and quiet, just what I didn’t need. I needed someone to talk to but Jamie and P.J. had gone to Brackenburg to be with their families for Thanksgiving. I couldn’t call Kayla. That would be too weird considering the things I’d been thinking about her. Maybe I should call Brandi. Maybe she could help me figure out how to deal with her brother.

I sat down on the couch and stared at the screen on my phone. Who could possibly understand what I was going through? I liked Jayden. I didn’t like the controlling thing he was doing, but mostly I liked him but I didn’t desire him like a I should if I were really straight, or bi. I didn’t want to break up with him, but I wasn’t sure we could continue dating if I didn’t want to have sex with him.

And then, there was Kayla. I had brushed aside the attraction I’d felt toward her when we first started being friends because I was still in play mode, dating as many girls as I wanted. I knew she wouldn’t be into being sexual friends. She was too conservative for that. But, now that I’d been dating Jayden exclusively, I’d kind of gotten over that need to be with more than one person. Being around her gave me butterflies, something I hadn’t felt with anyone else, and something I definitely didn’t feel with Jayden. I dropped my head down into my hands and then looked heavenward. “God, how did things get so complicated?”

My phone chirped. Jamie had sent a text asking me how things went at my parents’. I wrote her back and said it was so-so and asked if she could talk. She called me.

“What’s going on?” She asked her voice concerned over the phone.

“I’m losing my mind,” I said. We talked for two hours. I felt better afterwards, but I still wasn’t sure what I was going to do about Jayden. But, at least I’d gotten my feelings off my chest, all of them except the ones for Kayla. I wasn’t ready to talk to anyone about that yet.

P. J.

I was sitting on the couch working on a drawing for my art class when Lori came home. She came into the living room with a large vase filled with red roses. "Sit on the loveseat, please, I can't mess this picture up," I said and put my charcoal pencil in my mouth while I took the edge of a paper towel to smear some of the charcoal to create a shadow on a tree in the picture.

Lori put the vase on the coffee table in front of me and sat down on the loveseat.

Looking over the top of my drawing pad, I asked, "What are those for?"

"It's our second month anniversary," she said with a smile.

"They're pretty," I said and went back to drawing.

She was fidgeting with the bottom edge of her t-shirt. I watched her from behind my pad. She seemed very nervous about something. I was afraid I already knew what but I asked anyway. "What' wrong?"

Lori turned her blue eyes toward me. She took a deep breath and said, "Jayden is bugging me about having sex."

That threw me off. I was expecting her to say that she thought she was making a mistake dating Jayden and didn't know how to get out of it. "You haven't had sex with him yet?"

"Why would you think I'd had sex with him already?"

"Well," I said, putting my drawing pad and pencil down. "You usually sleep with most of your dates on the first date."

"Yeah, but it's different with girls. I can't get pregnant from having sex with a girl and this is more serious," she said. She looked away from me and stared at the flowers.

"More serious?"

"He wants to meet my parents and he wants me to meet his parents over Thanksgiving," she said.

"Wow," I said. "That is pretty serious. How  do you feel about that?"

"Conflicted."

"Well, yeah. Do your parents know he mixed?"

Lori nodded. "I showed them a picture of the two of us together. My mother was skeptical but thrilled that I had a boyfriend. She said she knew I'd come to my senses."

"Is that what you've done?" I asked cautiously.

"No!" Lori got up and went to the window looking out into the parking lot. "I like Jayden a lot. He's funny. We have a lot in common. He treats me really good. I guess I'm just afraid it's too good to be true." She said turning back to me.

"And, what about the sex thing?"

"I went on the pill right after we started dating, but I'm still terrified of getting pregnant."

I picked my pad back up and studied it. "So make sure he wears a condom."

She came over and sat down next to me. "I haven't been with a guy since high school," she confessed.

"Are you afraid it will hurt?" I asked, a little at a loss as to what exactly she was afraid of.

Sighing, she dropped her head into her hands. "Maybe, I don't know. It's weird that its okay to sleep with a girl the first day I meet her and with a guy I feel like we should wait until we get married or have at least been dating several months."

I furrowed my eyebrows thoughtfully. "Do you think it might be your upbringing? Although, it does sound a little like a double standard there."

Lori looked up at me and laughed. "Yeah, I guess so." Shaking her head, she said, "I just don't want to screw up my life by getting pregnant."

"If it's really worrying you, tell him you're not ready. Either he'll wait or he'll break up with you."

She let out another heavy sigh. "That's what I'm afraid of. I don't want to lose him."

I sat back and studied her. "This is so weird. You have never been interested in having a serious relationship with someone, why now? I thought you wanted to enjoy college and sow your wild oats."

"I did, but, I don't know. There's just something about him. I'm not sure he's the one but he's the right one right now." She looked at me, her eyes looking as confused as I felt. "You know what I mean?"

"Sort of," I said, but I didn't really. I'd have to talk to Jamie about this later to see if she could make heads or tails out of what Lori was saying.

There was a knock at the door and then it opened. Kayla came in, her head bobbing to whatever song she was listening to her on her iPod. She looked up and saw Lori. The look of hurt and confusion that I had seen on her face the last several times I'd see these two together appeared briefly and was replaced by a fake smile. "Hey girls!" She took one of the ear buds out. "What's up?"

"Just talking," Lori said vaguely.

I watched Lori take in Kayla's disheveled appearance before turning away. "Jamie will be home in about fifteen minutes."

"I know," she said. "I just talked to her. I'm going to go into the kitchen and set up for us to work on this paper. You two go back to whatever it was you were doing." She put the ear bud back in, started bobbing her head again and went into the kitchen.

Lori didn't seem to notice that I was watching her watch Kayla. Now, I'm more confused than ever. Clearly Lori has feelings for Kayla but she's dating Jayden. I don't think she really knows what the hell she wants.

Lori looked at me and then away. We both jumped when her phone rang. She looked at the screen to see who it was and then answered it. "Hey, Sweetie."

I couldn't hear what Jayden was saying but I could hear his harsh tone.

"I'm at home," Lori said, a frown pulling hard at her lips. "I came straight home. I've been here at least fifteen minutes."

I gave her a raised eyebrow when she looked up at me and mouthed, "What the fuck?"

"Jayden, I didn't stop anywhere on my way here and why are you tripping?" She got up and started pacing. "Excuse me. Do you think I'm going to allow you to start telling me who I can and cannot talk to?"

Kayla stood in the doorway watching Lori pace. I got up and went into the kitchen to get a Mountain Dew. "What's up with the love birds?" she asked.

"Sounds like he's trying to be a little controlling," I said, opening the refrigerator door.

"Humph," Kayla snorted. "Typical asshole behavior."

I nodded in agreement. By the time I came back into the living room, the conversation had changed.

"I know you love me and you just worry but there's no need, okay?"  She turned to me and smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. "Okay, I'll talk to you later. I love you too."

"Dudes," she said putting her phone down.

"Yep," Kayla said and went into the kitchen. Her phone rang and we could here bits and pieces of her conversation and it was interesting to see the look on Lori's face as she seemed to be trying really hard to hear what Kayla was saying without looking like she was trying to listen.

"Yeah," Kayla said. "I can meet you at DUC later." "How about at seven? I should be done here by then." "Okay, sounds great. I love bowling. Okay I'll see you then."

Lori got up. "I left my backpack down in the car. I'll be back." She got up and opened the door just as Jamie was coming in.

"Where you going?" Jamie asked.

"To get my backpack," Lori said.

"You're going to help us with this paper, right?"

"Yeah, I just need to get my notes." Lori turned and trotted down the stairs.

Jamie walked across the room, leaned over the couch and kissed me on the lips. "Hey, Babe." She kissed me again. "You going to sit in on this study session?"

"Yeah, my paper is almost done but it needs some finishing touches." I got up and followed Jamie into the kitchen. This was the first time that Kayla and Lori have spent very much time together since Lori stared dating Jayden. It should be interesting to see how they get along.