Lori

What P.J. said about needing to get laid made me wonder why I hadn't done that for awhile. I've had several hot girls after me but I just wasn't interested. I'm not really sure what is wrong with me. I'm enjoying my time hanging out with Jayden and he's hinted around several times that he'd like to date me. Strangely, I've actually considered it. It's not like I haven't had boyfriends before. I dated guys until I was a senior in high school and Marianne Wesley blew my mind by French kissing me on a dare at a party. I can't say that I didn't enjoy having sex with a guy, although the first time with Tommy Engles had sucked pretty good.

I've been feeling this restless yearning for something that seems to be just beyond my reach. I don't know if it's because I miss being at home or if I need something that is missing in my life. I just can't put my finger on what it is. That's why I've considered dating Jayden. He's cute and I like him a lot. I can't say that he really stirs sexual feelings in me, but I haven't really tried looking at him that way, or thinking about him that way.

I'm not all that sure how my parents would feel about dating a black guy but at least I would be dating a guy and maybe me and Mom could make amends.

The other problem is Kayla. I like Kayla a lot but I'm not her type and she probably thinks I'm nothing but a whore dog, which has been mostly true. The other thing with Kayla is that I would have to commit to her completely and I'd have to be able to convince her that I was committed to her completely, which I'm afraid would never happen. Not that I couldn't commit to her, I'm just afraid she would never believe that I could be completely committed.

God, I'm so confused. I would love to talk to P.J. about how I'm feeling but I'm afraid she'll flip out on me. Especially because Kayla is Jamie's friend and I'm sure her and P.J. would be worried that I would hurt Kayla. And they will probably think I've lost my mind if I tell them I'm thinking about dating Jayden. Christ, what should I do?

Just then my cellphone rang, it was Jayden. "Hey Sweet Thing, whatchya doing?"

"Just hanging out," I said, putting the notebook and textbook I'd been staring at uselessly for the past hour away.

"Hey, there's a party off campus tomorrow night. You wanna go with?"

"Sure," I said. I hadn't been to a party since I'd moved in with Jamie and P.J. Maybe this was just what I needed.